10 things you should do if you feel depressed

1. Turn off your television, disconnect your cable, grab a hammer and smash your t.v. into tiny little pieces.


2. Take a shower, brush your teeth, brush your hair, put on your favorite outfit. If you suffer from some body dysmorphic disorder, then don't take a shower, don't get dress, grab that hammer you just used to destroy your t.v and smash each mirror in your house. Who cares about seven years of bad luck, you already feel like crap, besides breaking things is fun. Think of it as cathartic.
   


3. Go outside, go for a walk, go for a swim, go for a jog, go for a drive. Get out of your tiny island.


4. Go visit a retirement home or a hospital. I bet you feel better, I know I would, after seeing so many people suffering from old age, and disease. I am not saying that depression is not a serious disease, but there are people that are seriously sick, unable to leave their hospital bed, alone with no one to make them feel better, stuck in a room that smells like sickness and hydrogen peroxide. Don’t you feel less wretched knowing that you can breathe, defecate and urinate without a tube coming out any of your smelly orifices.


5. If you still feel depressed, and nothing seems to wake you from your sad fog. Go to your nearest cemetery, find the most desolate tombstone, sit down, and now cry, no weep, no bawl your eyes out for that poor bastard that no one comes to visit. It will be okay.


6. Many analysts believe crying is suppose to make you feel better, that it may serve as a catharsis, by purging ones pent up negativity, although this is still not scientifically proven. If you are still depressed and have nothing to do then read this book, “Adult Crying: a Biopsychosocial Approach”. It will shed a tear, I mean light, on the unanswered question of why people cry. No one knows, so maybe you are not depressed, it is society and the hegemonic powers of cultural imperialism that dictates what is normal and not normal. Maybe you are not depressed, maybe you are happy, maybe the cultural imperialism of your tribe is the one dictating your depression. There is a reason why you feel this heavy doom, despair and depression, and you should try to explore the underlying causes of why you feel this way. Don’t just rollover and play dead, well okay, rollover and play dead only if that makes you happy.


7. WAIT!!!!! Before you pop that Zoloft, make sure your overworked and arrogant doctor has done the appropriate blood-work. FYI, there are many hormonal, endochronological, and metabolical illnesses that cause symptoms of fatigue and depression. Zoloft will not make you feel better, if the reason you are sick is because you have a neurological illness (e.g., multiple sclerosis), or a multisystemic disease (e.g, systemic lupus), or a horrible infectious disease like (e.g., Lyme disease, chlamydia, HIV), or a crappy endocrine disease (e.g., thyroid, graves, diabetes) which are growing in popularity because of our great dependence on coca-cola and coco puffs, or the most common and always overlooked cause for depression a hematologic disease such as (vitamin B12 deficiency, anemia), or a malignant disease that will cause anyone to be depressed (e.g., pancreatic, ovarian, testicular cancer), and finally I left the best for last make sure your cardiovascular system is in tip-top shape you don’t want to take zoloft if what you have is a screwed-up heart.


8. If you have none of the illnesses or diseases mentioned in step 7, congratulations. If you do have a disease or illness mentioned in step 7, I understand, because I also have one of those illnesses mentioned in step 7, mine is a crappy endocrine disease, nothing exciting. I at least don’t have a tube coming out of my orifice, this makes me smile. If you are depressed and doctors seem to not find anything wrong with you, go ahead take the Zoloft. But be aware Zoloft, is not a magic cure. There is always acupuncture, exercise, change of diet and behavior modification.
   


9. Don’t forget that time is an invention. Yesterday has no power over tomorrow, and today is whatever you want it to be. Einstein believed that, "Space and time are modes by which we think, not conditions under which we live." Time--the time that we know through clocks and calendars--was invented. Oh come on, you should feel a little better, time is an invention. Go grab that hammer and smash all your clocks, and watches.


10. Misery loves company, so go outside and find some miserable people to hang out with. They will probably thank you for it.